Tonight my heart is heavy. After 5 years I know that I am clearly not processing the death of my husband correctly. But I've at least became open to "the next one"; previously just hurt and uninterested in finding another heart break. But I'm lonely. I miss the comfortable silence we had. I miss his laugh. He was the sweet to my spice, always being the bridge from spicy me to the public. His sweet covered my spice. I miss him. Finding the next one, in these times, with this culture, I'm truly afraid that I'll be alone in the end anyway. Just a heavy heart full of sadness.