part of my testimony
I know its kinda long

I know the devil doesn't want me to write this and I might get attacked for it but Jesus compelled me to.

just want to give thanks to God and praise the Lord from all my heart. Im living proof that the gospel is the power of God to salvation. Where before I once lived a life of sin and darkness. I was stuck in the world of addiction. I was stuck in mental illness and because of it hated myself and a good portion of the time I hated others as well. I was suicidal full of bitterness and rage. I was mean especially when I drank alcohol or had been up for days on meth. I was selfish but I desperately wanted things to be different. Since I was trapped or felt trapped I blamed God or atleast felt God dealt me a bad hand. Sometimes I would try to be a Christian but I was still stuck and not only stuck I was still clueless on what to do or how to get a grip on myself. I tried to pray I tried going to church I tried everything but I still found myself running back to drugs and alcohol time and again. I would make progress and then flop right back into the muck and mud. I wanted to live and serve God but I was too afraid of the uncertainty. What if I was rejected laughed at or treated worse by people worse then when I was a selfish lonely scared drunk and addicted? What if I wasn't called. I know now everyone is called but I thought maybe I was unqualified and that I would somehow mess it up. These are the lies of the devil. Not only was I afraid of the idea of being a servant I was afraid the devil would attack me harder the same way he did Job and since my life was already bad enough I was afraid of it getting worse which I know things can always get worse. I knew I had good intentions to serve God and I knew that getting the Holy Ghost and serving God was my destiny but I was afraid people would only see my failures. I ran from serving God but I still kept a bible and for the most part kept my faith to myself. I was just like a scruffy
mouse, (with a mouse suit and breifcase containing a bible) that would get curious about life in the normal world and every once in awhile id venture out but one bad look, sarcastic remark, joke about my mouse suit or a bad day and I would scurry right back into the dark. I was afraid to fully step into the light and live for God. The light might expose my fears and failures and then in shame I would never be able to escape from the darkness again. I was an addict an alcoholic I thrived in the dark anyways. Its quite, easy to hide, and no one bothered me. I could smoke my mouse pipe in peace and drink my beer. Except God. He was with me in the dark. Most of the time. The demons were too I was starting to get use to their presence. If i wasnt able to hang with God atleast the demons could keep me company. Sometimes the demons would get too overwhelming id cry out to God in desperation.
Why is this happening. I would hear voices saying I was in the end times God wants to use me. This would give me hope. God was really still there trying to reach me while the demons were trying to destroy any hope I had left
See before I went on a 2 year meth binge
When things would get out of control I could just run to God and that would ease my troubled mind enough to get through the storm. For the longest time it worked. But from the meth Eventually my rebellion would bring me further from God and faith and closer to the devil demons and evil. And when things got so dark and the feeling of hopelessness and complete separation from God as if God didnt even exist anymore thats when I knew I had gone to far. Even the demons presence was gone. No more voices no demonic activity nothing It was like God and the demons never existed I felt confused drained of all hope. Atleast when it was just the demons I had some company. Ever since that dreadful day may 12 2026 when I woke up in my tent- (i had been living homeless) and felt my faith had died I knew I had to make a change and I had to make one fast. I had to make a choice either die alone without God in the dark or step into faith with God into the light. Both choices weren't going to be easy. I decided if God wasnt going to enable me in the darkness anymore id go into the light because that is were he normally dwells. Im still early in my recovery three months sober and things have gone way better thanks to good people a good program and more importantly help from God and I know how bad things can get how quick things can flip but im just trusting God in faith. staying humble and learning to live with acceptance gratitude and forgiveness.