Our hero makes a cup of Turkish coffee, gets his pack of cigarettes, and goes into his room, responding to some emails and messages, then goes to exercise in his home gym; the workout is the same with dumbbells, sometimes light barbell deadlifts, and simple moves with weights.
He posts the workout live on YouTube; he has a YouTube channel, even though he does not know why he cares, but it gives him something to do when there is no work; it was a Monday; that's when he goes to church for bible study and a family prayer meeting.
Being a Coptic Orthodox Christian is different; he loves the church, but he is always uneasy and confused and does not know where he stands about his faith; he believes in the creed.
He was born on 9/9/1986; now he is 39 years old, has a lot more wisdom and knowledge about life and work, and he tries to follow Christ, but he always feels like he is not doing enough; being with mental illness determines what he can and cannot do, although he may pass as totally normal.
It goes into his head: what is normal, who defines it, or how being normal can be defined; he is like 60% analytical, and the rest is just total and utterly unrealistic “he is out of his mind in the remaining 40%.”
He comes back from church, takes his medication, and goes to sleep. He dreams of his father; they are having a conversation. Before he gets up, he tells his father I will talk to you when I get up, that is weird.
:
His father passed away like 10 years ago, and before that he had progressive supranuclear palsy and became paralyzed for the last 10 years of his life.
This is the way with dreams, unrealistic and never complete, but sometimes his thinking is more unrealistic than his dreams.
But if you ask him what his dreams are, he will not be able to answer; this is a question that he never had an answer to.
Others dream of fame and fortune, but he thinks being unknown is amazing. Money for what? All lives start the same and end the same; money can buy luxuries that are unessential, and the most expensive foods, which go down the same.
The world is fascinated with Alion Musk, President Trump and Mohamed Slah, without noticing the sacrifices they had to make, to live for their work and it only, they may look happy, they do what they love so they are happy, so do the work that makes you happy, but life and work is not that simple, young adults get married and within after 9 months their first born, they are not ready, but it is dictated by the community they live in, and it is a disaster not to have kids after 2 years of marriage, that is if the relationship happens in the context of marriage.
This is thought that passed through his head, he realizes that he does not conform with his community and church, he grew up in a mix of ideas and beliefs, adding to that the tragedies that happened in his life, these morphed the person he is now, he believes in Christ, he loves others as he loves himself, but he knows that not one denomination has a monopoly on Christianity and that only God knows the hearts of his creation.
But when he enters his church, he feels that God is truly present with him. When he listens to Christian songs that praise and glorify God, his spirit rejoices, and he feels a deep sense of peace and closeness to Him. He is also inspired by the way Catholics serve their communities, helping those in need and putting their faith into action through love, compassion, and service.
But all these thoughts just hit a wall when he tries to articulate them to someone, specially to Orthodox and Catholics, he sees great understanding in Evangelicals.
He realizes that those thoughts pop up because he has not gotten a project in a long time, but that is freelancing for you, he was unable to hold a steady paying job for more than 5 days, most of those was call center jobs, others were busboy jobs, he did not understand life as he does now.
He works from home, but like all freelance jobs there is no steady salary, that is a problem for when and if the miracle happens and he finds a wife, it is not only the age and work it is also the medication he must take.
May be deep down he think he does not deserve love; he cannot imagine his life with a wife and kids, how can he have children to face this life in this world, how can he repeat the cycle, and of course his feelings of impending doom and end, he is fascinated with Bible prophesy and the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Today he has a confession, he goes in and tries his best, he confesses his hesitation in the Orthodox faith, and that he cannot fast and be ready for communion, with his condition and all.
He is sure of one thing that gods answer his prayers all of them, something happens and he remembers he prayed for that a long time ago, some answers are in the way.
The medication timing can make or break the patient’s life, taking a sedating medication in the morning is very counterproductive, and if psychiatrists have their way all patients will be walking zombies, he sees this happens.
Talking about the hospital, anyone how goes there may see it as a horrible place, he sees it as therapeutic, when you see people who can’t walk or unable to take care of their basic needs you really thank God for everything you can do and have.
He sometimes thinks of his father and the cross he caried, to be totally paralyzed for 9 years, unable to speak, unable to move, unable to eat sold food, his father was a good man, he has his downfalls, but he had a good heart.
Our hero remembers his first day in university, he was young and outright weird, with his father in this condition, he was unable to adapt, this is when his illness started, he tried his best to study but after his father passed away, he left this university in his third year.
At the beginning of his healing journey his psychologist and mother were trying to push him to have a social life, like going to church meetings and university and other social events, she is a virtuous woman but narrowminded.
Our hero makes a cup of Turkish coffee, gets his pack of cigarettes, and goes into his room, responding to some emails and messages, then goes to exercise in his home gym; the workout is the same with dumbbells, sometimes light barbell deadlifts, and simple moves with weights.
He posts the workout live on YouTube; he has a YouTube channel, even though he does not know why he cares, but it gives him something to do when there is no work; it was a Monday; that's when he goes to church for bible study and a family prayer meeting.
Being a Coptic Orthodox Christian is different; he loves the church, but he is always uneasy and confused and does not know where he stands about his faith; he believes in the creed.
He was born on 9/9/1986; now he is 39 years old, has a lot more wisdom and knowledge about life and work, and he tries to follow Christ, but he always feels like he is not doing enough; being with mental illness determines what he can and cannot do, although he may pass as totally normal.
It goes into his head: what is normal, who defines it, or how being normal can be defined; he is like 60% analytical, and the rest is just total and utterly unrealistic “he is out of his mind in the remaining 40%.”
He comes back from church, takes his medication, and goes to sleep. He dreams of his father; they are having a conversation. Before he gets up, he tells his father I will talk to you when I get up, that is weird.
:
His father passed away like 10 years ago, and before that he had progressive supranuclear palsy and became paralyzed for the last 10 years of his life.
This is the way with dreams, unrealistic and never complete, but sometimes his thinking is more unrealistic than his dreams.
But if you ask him what his dreams are, he will not be able to answer; this is a question that he never had an answer to.
Others dream of fame and fortune, but he thinks being unknown is amazing. Money for what? All lives start the same and end the same; money can buy luxuries that are unessential, and the most expensive foods, which go down the same.
The world is fascinated with Alion Musk, President Trump and Mohamed Slah, without noticing the sacrifices they had to make, to live for their work and it only, they may look happy, they do what they love so they are happy, so do the work that makes you happy, but life and work is not that simple, young adults get married and within after 9 months their first born, they are not ready, but it is dictated by the community they live in, and it is a disaster not to have kids after 2 years of marriage, that is if the relationship happens in the context of marriage.
This is thought that passed through his head, he realizes that he does not conform with his community and church, he grew up in a mix of ideas and beliefs, adding to that the tragedies that happened in his life, these morphed the person he is now, he believes in Christ, he loves others as he loves himself, but he knows that not one denomination has a monopoly on Christianity and that only God knows the hearts of his creation.
But when he enters his church, he feels that God is truly present with him. When he listens to Christian songs that praise and glorify God, his spirit rejoices, and he feels a deep sense of peace and closeness to Him. He is also inspired by the way Catholics serve their communities, helping those in need and putting their faith into action through love, compassion, and service.
But all these thoughts just hit a wall when he tries to articulate them to someone, specially to Orthodox and Catholics, he sees great understanding in Evangelicals.
He realizes that those thoughts pop up because he has not gotten a project in a long time, but that is freelancing for you, he was unable to hold a steady paying job for more than 5 days, most of those was call center jobs, others were busboy jobs, he did not understand life as he does now.
He works from home, but like all freelance jobs there is no steady salary, that is a problem for when and if the miracle happens and he finds a wife, it is not only the age and work it is also the medication he must take.
May be deep down he think he does not deserve love; he cannot imagine his life with a wife and kids, how can he have children to face this life in this world, how can he repeat the cycle, and of course his feelings of impending doom and end, he is fascinated with Bible prophesy and the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Today he has a confession, he goes in and tries his best, he confesses his hesitation in the Orthodox faith, and that he cannot fast and be ready for communion, with his condition and all.
He is sure of one thing that gods answer his prayers all of them, something happens and he remembers he prayed for that a long time ago, some answers are in the way.
The medication timing can make or break the patient’s life, taking a sedating medication in the morning is very counterproductive, and if psychiatrists have their way all patients will be walking zombies, he sees this happens.
Talking about the hospital, anyone how goes there may see it as a horrible place, he sees it as therapeutic, when you see people who can’t walk or unable to take care of their basic needs you really thank God for everything you can do and have.
He sometimes thinks of his father and the cross he caried, to be totally paralyzed for 9 years, unable to speak, unable to move, unable to eat sold food, his father was a good man, he has his downfalls, but he had a good heart.
Our hero remembers his first day in university, he was young and outright weird, with his father in this condition, he was unable to adapt, this is when his illness started, he tried his best to study but after his father passed away, he left this university in his third year.
At the beginning of his healing journey his psychologist and mother were trying to push him to have a social life, like going to church meetings and university and other social events, she is a virtuous woman but narrowminded.
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