I died 3 years ago when my wife passed away. I was still breathing, I could still move, but I was unable to do much more than sleep. If I were to draw a picture of what I was then, it would be a man missing one arm, one leg, whose chest had a gaping hole where my heart had been torn out. After thirty years of marriage, we had truly become one and that took a physical toll as well as an emotional one. Though I was a believer in my mind God had put us together, and then He had torn us apart. Some time later, when I was loudly complaining about that, He said in that little voice that can be irritating as well as comforting, "I will fill the empty places and bind your wounds." It's been three years and 8 months the church has been a great help when I was re-evaluating my beliefs and my relationship with God, though we are still not as close as we once were, I do not have the abilities I once did, but I am fairly functional now, yet I have the sense my journey is not over there is something just around the corner, a ministry? I do not know. I remember teachings on how God needs to break the vessel to remake it to fit his design, if that is what this is then amen. I know without a doubt that my wife is in His presence in glory no more pain, no more dealing with the insanity of this world, and for that I am thankful. Deaths sting is painful indeed and can last longer than we anticipate, but as the scriptures promise, "suffering is only a season" And our regeneration is assured.

From Samuel Rutherford (1600-1661) Letters God’s inexplicable dealings with His people well-ordered I perceive your case in this world savoureth of worship and communion with the Son of God in His sufferings. You cannot, you must not have a more pleasant or more easy condition here than He had, who ‘through afflictions was made perfect’ (Heb 2:10). We may indeed think: cannot God bring us to heaven with ease and prosperity? Who doubteth but He can? But His infinite wisdom thinketh and decreeth the contrary; and though we cannot see a reason for it, yet He hath a most just reason. We never with our eyes saw our own soul, yet we have a soul; we see many rivers, but we know not their first spring and original fountain, yet they have a beginning. Madam, when you are come to the other side of the water, and have set down your foot on the shore of glorious eternity, and look back again to the waters and to your wearisome journey, and shall see in that clear glass of endless glory nearer to the bottom of God’s wisdom, you shall then be forced to say, ‘If God had done otherwise with me than He hath done, I had never come to the enjoying of this crown of glory.’ It is your part now to believe, and suffer, and hope, and wait on: for I protest in the 2 presence of that all-discerning eye who knoweth what I write and what I think that I would not want the sweet experience of the consolations of God for all the bitterness of affliction; nay, whether God come to His children with a rod or a crown, if He come Himself with it, it is well. Welcome, welcome Jesus, what way so ever thou come, if we can get a sight of thee. And sure I am, it is better to be sick, providing Christ come to the bed-side, and draw aside the curtains, and say ‘Courage, I am thy salvation,’ than to enjoy health, being lusty and strong, and never to be visited of God.

First a mysterious illness came upon me Christmas eve, it affected my balance so much I was nervous about driving. Then my strength failed me, I fell several times and did not have the strength to get back up my son was able to help me each time. Then my pay was getting deposited into my bank later and later causing a hardship with getting the bills paid on time.Recently spent the night having torturous dreams causing me to wake up yelling at those who wouldn't let me sleep in my nightmare. This terribly frightened my son, he is special needs,we lost his mother to COVID, and he was afraid I was next. After comparing notes with a brother at church I realized it was demonic oppression, we prayed and the illness was lifted. Then my check continued to be later and later and my EBT card for food vanished, then my phone vanished so I couldn't call for help so here I am again questioning my sannity. Please pray , I feel like I 'am slipping away

Four years ago this morning, my wife of 30 years went to be with the Lord. I'm not going to rehash the pain the loss, the emotional and spiritual battle that resulted. No,today I want to give a picture of life today. 1. You don't "get over it"! But with the support of family, including church family,and friends, you can get through it. Even though it seems it may kill you as you work through, it won"t and you will be stronger,those sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

It has been nearly three years since my wife Tena passed away, It took me almost 2 yrs before I could function again. After 30 years of us learning to become one, she was much more than just my better half. During my time of mourning I re-examined my faith, part of me wanted to be done with my relationship with my Lord and my God, but the rest of me remembered how faithful the Lord had been to me / us, and even though I could not feel His presence, I'm pretty sure I didn't want too at that point, I believe He was near, patiently gently drawing me to him, I did not run from him, I slowly began to seek Him. Since then the Lord has filled the holes in my heart and my life, my love for Tena has not grown less, I know she is still in my heart and in my mind she is still my wife, we are just separated by death temporarily. The Lord has rooted our adult son and I in the community and the local church, we are quite active. The Lord has also tasked me to finish a book I had begun writing in 2013, I believe it was prompted and story was given to me by the Lord, I have finished it, it became a trilogy and those who have read it say the enjoy it, and are blessed it. Also a regular series of stories has spun of from the book. Though it was a devastating time in my life, and it called all my beliefs and convictions into question, I am glad I did not turn my back on the Lord, and just as glad He didn't turn His back on me, there were times I didn't speak very nice to him.

I wrote this in my journal eight years ago: I am turning fifty five this year, which pretty much means nothing, to many of the people I know who are in there sixties and seventies, I'm just a kid. During my life, despite MY best efforts to learn, the Lord has been able to teach me a few things. The hardest to grasp seems like it would be the easiest, true love, what it is, where it is from, and what to do with it. Love! what a simple concept, yet how misunderstood it is. I am barely old enough to remember the "Love" movement of the sixties. "Love is the answer! Love will change the world!" As true as that is the wrong source for that love was used so what they referred to as free love became unrestrained sex, their communes, which as I understand it was patterned after the communities of Christians in the first century church, became orgies. It happened again in the eighties only instead of communes there were discos, and the "love" sharing was a little more discreet. The source for true love they used was the human heart and the love it contains, hundreds of thousands of books have been written of this love, many end in tragedy. Love songs have filled records stores, radio, and now the internet, love story movies are everywhere, yet the world is still mired in the mess of hatred and war, why? Because the human heart that has not been redeemed and transformed is corrupt! The love contained within it is spoiled, it does manage to produce a very limited quantity of good love, for certain people, but trying to share true love with a community is beyond it's capability. The True Source For True Love is GOD! He IS love, His love doesn't corrupt it purifies, it flows in an inexhaustible abundance, and He offers it to us freely if we agree to His terms which are: Turn from your life and the life of the world and take up the life I have for you. Make me your master, obey only me and do what I instruct you to do with love and gladness in your heart. Ouch! Give up everything I am, own, and depend on? I would bet if you asked people to give up all and serve the master of love, most of them would say yes. But the world has made the true master of love into a hard demanding old codger who is best avoided. And the church! "I have put aside and given up much to pick up the cross and follow him, it is a heavy burden but I bear it gladly for his sake." YUCK!!! Anyone with half a brain would be running away after hearing a testimony like that! I have learned that the best testimony is the power of true love. It is not warm and fuzzy, though it gives you joy. It is not touchy feely, though the touch of a hand extended in true love encourages and enlivens, it is not of the body, yet it can heal, strengthen, and comfort the body. So how do we get true love? Get to know the master of true love, his invitation is open to you, accept his terms and receive love that has no bounds, is deeper, higher and more joyful than anything you have ever known.

This is a call to prayer! Hopefully you all understand what is coming next month, the world calls it a holiday, a time of harmless fun, but we of the Kingdom of Christ know that it is a celebration of darkness, a time when evil can show it self without fear, a time when demons do their worst to oppress the saints, with fears and uncertainties. But what you may not know is, it is not limited to October 31st in fact it has already started. Turn on a device, any device and you will advertising for the grand event, halloween sales, halloween music, halloween movies, haunted houses guaranteed to make you scream or throw up. Want to know how to do witchcraft? turn on a premium channel there are a multitude of movies and shows you can learn from, and of coarse the usual grind em up, slice and dice, I don't even what to say about that other than it's pure evil. Please understand I am not trying to provoke fear from you. We have the armor of God we have the sword of the Spirit, WE HAVE the VICTORY! But we must remain vigilant and cover ourselves, our families, fellow believers, friends and acquaintances in persistent prayer.

I could say that finding "The Lords Book" was fortuitous, but I know that all fortune comes from the hand of God, so I will say thank you Lord once again for providing what I need at the time I need it most.