Recognizing Abuse
After learning myself, I’ve taught a lot of people how to recognize abuse, that may not always look like abuse. When you grow up with physical abuse, that’s your only concept. But abuse goes far deeper, and it’s rampant in our society. People abuse others, in many ways, often by manipulation. I deal with this a lot in my book series, but I’d like to share some tips with you.
As the people of God, it’s predicted that we will go back to the danger for Christians spoken about in the book of Romans, where our fate may not be great, among those who refuse to serve him. But until then, we meet many types of people. Just working among people has been a real eye-opener. What I learned dealing with my own life situation, has helped tremendously, because I now have terms to describe what I encounter. Even now, I’m teaching them to a shop foreman where I work. It’s helping him recognize it; and giving him ways to deal with some stuff. He’s too nice, and hates to reprimand people, so he does a lion’s share of the work.
Today’s topic is:
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE
This is a behavior or tactic, where a person who is lazy, or simply abusive, deliberately performs tasks poorly or pretends to be incapable to avoid responsibility. Thereby, shifting the burden onto others.
It’s sometimes called strategic incompetence; and occurs when a person intentionally or unconsciously demonstrates an inability to perform tasks so that others take over or stop delegating responsibilities to them. It’s common in households, romantic relationships, workplaces, and friendships. It is not simply a lack of skill; rather, it is a manipulative strategy that exploits others’ reluctance to hold someone accountable for tasks they appear unable to do. Many times, you feel sympathy for someone so incapable, and so you do the lion’s share of the work, or all of it.
How It Manifests
Typical examples include:
Household chores:
A partner claims they are bad at cooking or folding laundry, prompting the other partner to take over. I had a person in my life, that I tried to get to help hoe the garden, we relied on to feed our family. He would chop down every third or fourth plant. Every. Single. Time. Of course, I started doing it myself. He would put hot iron skillets in dishwater, and crack them in half, and use brass wool on Teflon, then come unglued when you were mad. He’d adopt a childish look and say ‘oops… I didn’t know.’ I took that over too. And a lot of other things.
Workplace tasks:
A colleague says, “I’m terrible at PowerPoint,” so another coworker prepares the presentation—especially if they felt sorry for the incapable person. Often, the person originally assigned, takes the credit. I once worked with someone who hated to make Accounts Receivable calls, so I had to do it because he convinced the boss, he was too busy. He’d take naps at his desk, while I tried to keep all the balls in the air. If I collected a large sum, he’d say he did it. Incidentally, that boss claimed that none of them (including his wife) knew how to write a check; and continually tried to call me back when I was half-way into a 45-minute drive home. Or on my day off. Wonder what they did before me? Or now?
Parenting or co-parenting:
One parent avoids responsibilities like bedtime routines or scheduling appointments, often labeling themselves as the “fun” parent. I was called “Mrs. Mean” while my children’s father called himself, “Mr. Nice.” Also, they like to maneuver you into doing it all, then undermining everything you’ve accomplished. Then take credit in public for having well-mannered, well-taught kids… who just happened to hate Mrs. Mean.
Often, they do something called ‘Glory Cooking.’ They refuse to cook at home, because ‘You do it so much better than me;’ then cook for church dinners, or take what you cooked, and say they did it. The version I was handed of this, was for specialty cakes. There was a magazine I bought, that had instructions on how to make the coolest cakes. I made them often. I was known for it and people loved them.
Then one day, he decided to do it, because I was ‘so busy’ with all the other tasks pushed off on me (or so he said). I was disappointed, because I’m an artist, and loved making them. But I was glad he’d do something. Of course, he garnered all the attention, at the event, loving it. It wasn’t until I heard that term, that I understood why he was willing, all of a sudden. Then, I saw so many other things, he’d shifted to me, with the same tactic.
Friendships:
A friend avoids planning events, leaving others to organize everything. Seldom brings dishes, but gets up in front, smiling and acting like they did as much as everyone else, but has an excuse for any requested help. This behavior often involves defensiveness, blame-shifting, or emotional withdrawal to discourage future requests, creating a persistent imbalance of labor.
I had a church buddy once, that followed us around, letting us do it all. She would go… if I paid for her ticket, her meals, and drove. Once, she went with me to a major city where my children were in a marching contest for band. It was the busiest time of the day, with lots more traffic than usual in the area we were in, due to the contest. It was almost dark, traffic a nightmare, before GPS. I had printed a map, before leaving; but couldn’t turn on the overhead light to see it.
She REFUSED to use the small pen light I had, and read the next direction for me, or even help watch the overhead signs. I finally had to hold the map in one hand, the light in the other (while holding the steering wheel, mind you, and making sure I didn’t hit anyone changing lanes, while watching the overhead and side-of-the-road signs) and I’m surprised we lived through it. It was harrowing. I was having a very difficult time, extremely irritated, while she stared out the window ignoring it all, and when we got to the stadium, blandly remarked, ‘You really scared me. You should have learned the way, before we left.’
It was before I knew about weaponized incompetence.
I’ve changed a lot. It wouldn’t do, for her to say that now. Actually, she’s no longer a part of my life. After I moved, she ‘can’t drive an hour and a half, because it’s an unfamiliar area, and she doesn’t know how,’ so I have to go see her. I did for about a year… then… no. Grow your butt up! Friendship is supposed to work both ways. I had to learn. Several million other people in America did.
The bible calls it ‘willful ignorance.’
I call it ‘dumb on purpose.’
To me, it’s beyond rude. It’s abuse. It’s forced servitude. Its selfish. I could go on, but you get the idea. I used to feel so sorry for adults who couldn’t do things. Now, I see it for what it is.
Look around you. You’ll find it in very unexpected places, but possibly very close. It’s everywhere. Now, I treat adults, like adults. I help those who truly don’t know, but don’t deal well with those who consistently show narcissistic game-playing. If you’re the one REPENT. It’s not godly. I’m not even joking about it.
Causes
Weaponized incompetence can arise from:
A desire to avoid responsibility or tasks that feel uncomfortable or disagreeable. Duh! None of us like certain responsibilities, but we don’t opt out, at others’ expense.
Childhood experiences or learned patterns, such as parentification or fawn responses. (I’ll write about this, at some point.)
Social norms and gendered expectations, particularly in heterosexual households, where women often carry more domestic and cognitive labor regardless of income or capability. This is far more common than you know. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a man cook or clean something. I was truly shocked.
Now, I find it exceedingly attractive.
My dad wouldn’t even mow the lawn. My mom, or I, did it. I mowed my lawn at 8.5 months pregnant. I can’t even describe to you how it looked when he did it the ONE time I couldn’t. Oh, the stories I could tell, about when I was sick, just had a child, or after major surgery… but I digress….
Consequences
The effects of weaponized incompetence include:
Resentment, frustration, and burnout for the person taking on extra work. Especially when they constantly degrade the work that you did (while you were doing far too much).
Once, I was studying for college finals, and he was whining about having to mow the lawn (always ‘my’ job). I eventually felt sorry for him, and told him I’d stop and mow, while did the weed-eating. About 30 minutes in, I didn’t see him. I went inside, and he’d taken a shower, and was sitting beneath the air-conditioner vent, in his underwear, drinking an ice cold Pepsi, watching a movie… while his wife did the yardwork… missing vital study time.
Remember that mad redhead image, with fire shooting out of the top of her head… oh yeah… he saw that. In a major explosion. Soon, he was back outside to do it all, with zero sympathy from me, and I was back studying. I hadn’t learned the term then, but I knew a sorry a** man, when I saw one.
Incidentally… I made a 4.0, cut him out of my life (and wrote poetry about it), and moved a state away. Now, I still mow my lawn, but without being forced to. I do it because I’m a person who takes care of what God puts in my hand.
Erosion of trust and destabilization of relationships. (Ya, think?!)
(… and yes, I do have a smart… um… mouth gene. Actually two… One from each side… I can’t help it… it’s genetic….)
Decision fatigue and hypervigilance due to the constant need to compensate for the other person’s underperformance, and constant condemnation, they’ve continued to lob, regardless of all you’ve accomplished. The person juggling it all, develops a perfectionist tendency, coupled with a sense of their own incompetence (which they don’t now—and never did—have).
Addressing Weaponized Incompetence
I researched how to deal with this and I have to say, it gave me a good laugh, if no help with writing this. Here’s what I found… and my response….
Strategies to manage or mitigate this behavior include:
Open communication:
Discuss patterns and express how the behavior affects you. I just have to laugh at this. In my entire life, I’ve never seen this work! A person willing to exhibit this behavior simply does not care what it does to those around them.
It’s both a game and avoidance strategy. It’s a way to keep someone exhausted and off balance. I remember one night coming home from a ministry event. I always had to drive the two hours there and then back home through the mountains. I was exhausted, almost falling asleep, and asked the other adult (and I use that term loosely) to drive for a while. I was screamed at for ten solid minutes about how selfish I was to expect him to drive, because he and the children deserved to sleep. I was afraid I was about to kill my family in a wreck… but he was incapable. Weaponized incompetence—and presenting me as Mrs. Mean—on steroids, as his screaming woke both kids up, and they too were mad at me. We were all tired from the 2-hour performance, but they’d been conditioned to believe, that all hardship and work was mine to carry.
Setting boundaries:
Clearly define responsibilities and expectations. Ha! See the above answer. Again, I’ve seldom seen this work. The only time I have, was because an entire group stood against it, and there was no way out. However, the retaliation in passive-aggressive pushback, or underhanded ‘payback’ was worse than the weaponized incompetence.
Encouraging skill development:
Offer guidance or training if the person is genuinely willing to improve. This works with ‘normal’ people, but not with people who act hopelessly incompetent.
I spent four months once, helping a person ‘catch up’ to pass a test to get a job. I tutored her daily, spent hours creating homework, so she’d thoroughly understand. I printed it all, at my cost, with my supplies, and put it all in a neat binder to keep. She was behind on math (I used to tutor college algebra), reading skills, and business skills, among other things. I gave up massive amounts of time, study, and time with other people, including my family. The night before the test, she came over in a panic, confessing she didn’t know how to do any of it. She hadn’t done one homework page, or studied anything I’d given her.
Have you ever seen a mad redhead with flames shooting out of her head… being all nice… because she’d never heard the term ‘weaponized incompetence’ and felt sorry for someone who often excused her incompetence, because she was ‘backward’… while doing nothing to correct it? Honestly, you probably don’t want to.
Recognizing manipulation:
Identify when incompetence is being used strategically rather than genuinely. Understanding weaponized incompetence helps prevent unequal labor distribution, reduce relational stress, and promote accountability in both personal and professional settings.
I no longer put up with this. I expect adults to be adults. I’ll do my share and no more, unless a person truly has issues. I can spot weaponized incompetence, a mile off, now. And weaponized tears. I can see manipulation, I never saw before.
No, is a complete sentence.
Jesus didn’t call us to be a manipulated servant. Caring for others is Godly. Doing a lazy person’s work, simply because they choose to ‘opt out,’ is not. He never called us to be slaves to manipulators.
If you see someone doing this to others, join with them, to end it. Pray for the manipulator to repent and get saved. Tilt the table toward that, by addressing it. When it no longer works, they either grow through it or leave the group (not a bad end result… but that’s my opinion… frankly I’m tired of washing the soot out of my hair, from the flames….) Jesus said, ‘six days shall ye work.’ That meant everyone… not just you.
Men… who love those submit verses…
… learn them well… then go to Ephesians 5:21….
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
The phrase “submitting yourselves one to another” means mutual submission—placing others’ needs and well-being before your own, guided by humility, love, and reverence for God. The “fear of God” (or “reverence for Christ”) is the motive: it is not self‑sacrifice for its own sake, but obedience to God’s will.
This means, weaponized incompetency, puts you out of the will of God. You are enslaving another person, for your own comfort, or to force them to serve you. For the sheer desire to run roughshod over them. The answer is NO. Stop it.
If this resonates with you, please drop a comment. Tell us how you’ve encountered this, and your solution. It’s always good to hear another version. It shows me more to watch for.
The Challenge: “Can you handle the Brutal Truth? Download Book 1 at no cost and join the 200 million potential listeners of the Total Freedom Show.”
Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel
After learning myself, I’ve taught a lot of people how to recognize abuse, that may not always look like abuse. When you grow up with physical abuse, that’s your only concept. But abuse goes far deeper, and it’s rampant in our society. People abuse others, in many ways, often by manipulation. I deal with this a lot in my book series, but I’d like to share some tips with you.
As the people of God, it’s predicted that we will go back to the danger for Christians spoken about in the book of Romans, where our fate may not be great, among those who refuse to serve him. But until then, we meet many types of people. Just working among people has been a real eye-opener. What I learned dealing with my own life situation, has helped tremendously, because I now have terms to describe what I encounter. Even now, I’m teaching them to a shop foreman where I work. It’s helping him recognize it; and giving him ways to deal with some stuff. He’s too nice, and hates to reprimand people, so he does a lion’s share of the work.
Today’s topic is:
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE
This is a behavior or tactic, where a person who is lazy, or simply abusive, deliberately performs tasks poorly or pretends to be incapable to avoid responsibility. Thereby, shifting the burden onto others.
It’s sometimes called strategic incompetence; and occurs when a person intentionally or unconsciously demonstrates an inability to perform tasks so that others take over or stop delegating responsibilities to them. It’s common in households, romantic relationships, workplaces, and friendships. It is not simply a lack of skill; rather, it is a manipulative strategy that exploits others’ reluctance to hold someone accountable for tasks they appear unable to do. Many times, you feel sympathy for someone so incapable, and so you do the lion’s share of the work, or all of it.
How It Manifests
Typical examples include:
Household chores:
A partner claims they are bad at cooking or folding laundry, prompting the other partner to take over. I had a person in my life, that I tried to get to help hoe the garden, we relied on to feed our family. He would chop down every third or fourth plant. Every. Single. Time. Of course, I started doing it myself. He would put hot iron skillets in dishwater, and crack them in half, and use brass wool on Teflon, then come unglued when you were mad. He’d adopt a childish look and say ‘oops… I didn’t know.’ I took that over too. And a lot of other things.
Workplace tasks:
A colleague says, “I’m terrible at PowerPoint,” so another coworker prepares the presentation—especially if they felt sorry for the incapable person. Often, the person originally assigned, takes the credit. I once worked with someone who hated to make Accounts Receivable calls, so I had to do it because he convinced the boss, he was too busy. He’d take naps at his desk, while I tried to keep all the balls in the air. If I collected a large sum, he’d say he did it. Incidentally, that boss claimed that none of them (including his wife) knew how to write a check; and continually tried to call me back when I was half-way into a 45-minute drive home. Or on my day off. Wonder what they did before me? Or now?
Parenting or co-parenting:
One parent avoids responsibilities like bedtime routines or scheduling appointments, often labeling themselves as the “fun” parent. I was called “Mrs. Mean” while my children’s father called himself, “Mr. Nice.” Also, they like to maneuver you into doing it all, then undermining everything you’ve accomplished. Then take credit in public for having well-mannered, well-taught kids… who just happened to hate Mrs. Mean.
Often, they do something called ‘Glory Cooking.’ They refuse to cook at home, because ‘You do it so much better than me;’ then cook for church dinners, or take what you cooked, and say they did it. The version I was handed of this, was for specialty cakes. There was a magazine I bought, that had instructions on how to make the coolest cakes. I made them often. I was known for it and people loved them.
Then one day, he decided to do it, because I was ‘so busy’ with all the other tasks pushed off on me (or so he said). I was disappointed, because I’m an artist, and loved making them. But I was glad he’d do something. Of course, he garnered all the attention, at the event, loving it. It wasn’t until I heard that term, that I understood why he was willing, all of a sudden. Then, I saw so many other things, he’d shifted to me, with the same tactic.
Friendships:
A friend avoids planning events, leaving others to organize everything. Seldom brings dishes, but gets up in front, smiling and acting like they did as much as everyone else, but has an excuse for any requested help. This behavior often involves defensiveness, blame-shifting, or emotional withdrawal to discourage future requests, creating a persistent imbalance of labor.
I had a church buddy once, that followed us around, letting us do it all. She would go… if I paid for her ticket, her meals, and drove. Once, she went with me to a major city where my children were in a marching contest for band. It was the busiest time of the day, with lots more traffic than usual in the area we were in, due to the contest. It was almost dark, traffic a nightmare, before GPS. I had printed a map, before leaving; but couldn’t turn on the overhead light to see it.
She REFUSED to use the small pen light I had, and read the next direction for me, or even help watch the overhead signs. I finally had to hold the map in one hand, the light in the other (while holding the steering wheel, mind you, and making sure I didn’t hit anyone changing lanes, while watching the overhead and side-of-the-road signs) and I’m surprised we lived through it. It was harrowing. I was having a very difficult time, extremely irritated, while she stared out the window ignoring it all, and when we got to the stadium, blandly remarked, ‘You really scared me. You should have learned the way, before we left.’
It was before I knew about weaponized incompetence.
I’ve changed a lot. It wouldn’t do, for her to say that now. Actually, she’s no longer a part of my life. After I moved, she ‘can’t drive an hour and a half, because it’s an unfamiliar area, and she doesn’t know how,’ so I have to go see her. I did for about a year… then… no. Grow your butt up! Friendship is supposed to work both ways. I had to learn. Several million other people in America did.
The bible calls it ‘willful ignorance.’
I call it ‘dumb on purpose.’
To me, it’s beyond rude. It’s abuse. It’s forced servitude. Its selfish. I could go on, but you get the idea. I used to feel so sorry for adults who couldn’t do things. Now, I see it for what it is.
Look around you. You’ll find it in very unexpected places, but possibly very close. It’s everywhere. Now, I treat adults, like adults. I help those who truly don’t know, but don’t deal well with those who consistently show narcissistic game-playing. If you’re the one REPENT. It’s not godly. I’m not even joking about it.
Causes
Weaponized incompetence can arise from:
A desire to avoid responsibility or tasks that feel uncomfortable or disagreeable. Duh! None of us like certain responsibilities, but we don’t opt out, at others’ expense.
Childhood experiences or learned patterns, such as parentification or fawn responses. (I’ll write about this, at some point.)
Social norms and gendered expectations, particularly in heterosexual households, where women often carry more domestic and cognitive labor regardless of income or capability. This is far more common than you know. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a man cook or clean something. I was truly shocked.
Now, I find it exceedingly attractive.
My dad wouldn’t even mow the lawn. My mom, or I, did it. I mowed my lawn at 8.5 months pregnant. I can’t even describe to you how it looked when he did it the ONE time I couldn’t. Oh, the stories I could tell, about when I was sick, just had a child, or after major surgery… but I digress….
Consequences
The effects of weaponized incompetence include:
Resentment, frustration, and burnout for the person taking on extra work. Especially when they constantly degrade the work that you did (while you were doing far too much).
Once, I was studying for college finals, and he was whining about having to mow the lawn (always ‘my’ job). I eventually felt sorry for him, and told him I’d stop and mow, while did the weed-eating. About 30 minutes in, I didn’t see him. I went inside, and he’d taken a shower, and was sitting beneath the air-conditioner vent, in his underwear, drinking an ice cold Pepsi, watching a movie… while his wife did the yardwork… missing vital study time.
Remember that mad redhead image, with fire shooting out of the top of her head… oh yeah… he saw that. In a major explosion. Soon, he was back outside to do it all, with zero sympathy from me, and I was back studying. I hadn’t learned the term then, but I knew a sorry a** man, when I saw one.
Incidentally… I made a 4.0, cut him out of my life (and wrote poetry about it), and moved a state away. Now, I still mow my lawn, but without being forced to. I do it because I’m a person who takes care of what God puts in my hand.
Erosion of trust and destabilization of relationships. (Ya, think?!)
(… and yes, I do have a smart… um… mouth gene. Actually two… One from each side… I can’t help it… it’s genetic….)
Decision fatigue and hypervigilance due to the constant need to compensate for the other person’s underperformance, and constant condemnation, they’ve continued to lob, regardless of all you’ve accomplished. The person juggling it all, develops a perfectionist tendency, coupled with a sense of their own incompetence (which they don’t now—and never did—have).
Addressing Weaponized Incompetence
I researched how to deal with this and I have to say, it gave me a good laugh, if no help with writing this. Here’s what I found… and my response….
Strategies to manage or mitigate this behavior include:
Open communication:
Discuss patterns and express how the behavior affects you. I just have to laugh at this. In my entire life, I’ve never seen this work! A person willing to exhibit this behavior simply does not care what it does to those around them.
It’s both a game and avoidance strategy. It’s a way to keep someone exhausted and off balance. I remember one night coming home from a ministry event. I always had to drive the two hours there and then back home through the mountains. I was exhausted, almost falling asleep, and asked the other adult (and I use that term loosely) to drive for a while. I was screamed at for ten solid minutes about how selfish I was to expect him to drive, because he and the children deserved to sleep. I was afraid I was about to kill my family in a wreck… but he was incapable. Weaponized incompetence—and presenting me as Mrs. Mean—on steroids, as his screaming woke both kids up, and they too were mad at me. We were all tired from the 2-hour performance, but they’d been conditioned to believe, that all hardship and work was mine to carry.
Setting boundaries:
Clearly define responsibilities and expectations. Ha! See the above answer. Again, I’ve seldom seen this work. The only time I have, was because an entire group stood against it, and there was no way out. However, the retaliation in passive-aggressive pushback, or underhanded ‘payback’ was worse than the weaponized incompetence.
Encouraging skill development:
Offer guidance or training if the person is genuinely willing to improve. This works with ‘normal’ people, but not with people who act hopelessly incompetent.
I spent four months once, helping a person ‘catch up’ to pass a test to get a job. I tutored her daily, spent hours creating homework, so she’d thoroughly understand. I printed it all, at my cost, with my supplies, and put it all in a neat binder to keep. She was behind on math (I used to tutor college algebra), reading skills, and business skills, among other things. I gave up massive amounts of time, study, and time with other people, including my family. The night before the test, she came over in a panic, confessing she didn’t know how to do any of it. She hadn’t done one homework page, or studied anything I’d given her.
Have you ever seen a mad redhead with flames shooting out of her head… being all nice… because she’d never heard the term ‘weaponized incompetence’ and felt sorry for someone who often excused her incompetence, because she was ‘backward’… while doing nothing to correct it? Honestly, you probably don’t want to.
Recognizing manipulation:
Identify when incompetence is being used strategically rather than genuinely. Understanding weaponized incompetence helps prevent unequal labor distribution, reduce relational stress, and promote accountability in both personal and professional settings.
I no longer put up with this. I expect adults to be adults. I’ll do my share and no more, unless a person truly has issues. I can spot weaponized incompetence, a mile off, now. And weaponized tears. I can see manipulation, I never saw before.
No, is a complete sentence.
Jesus didn’t call us to be a manipulated servant. Caring for others is Godly. Doing a lazy person’s work, simply because they choose to ‘opt out,’ is not. He never called us to be slaves to manipulators.
If you see someone doing this to others, join with them, to end it. Pray for the manipulator to repent and get saved. Tilt the table toward that, by addressing it. When it no longer works, they either grow through it or leave the group (not a bad end result… but that’s my opinion… frankly I’m tired of washing the soot out of my hair, from the flames….) Jesus said, ‘six days shall ye work.’ That meant everyone… not just you.
Men… who love those submit verses…
… learn them well… then go to Ephesians 5:21….
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
The phrase “submitting yourselves one to another” means mutual submission—placing others’ needs and well-being before your own, guided by humility, love, and reverence for God. The “fear of God” (or “reverence for Christ”) is the motive: it is not self‑sacrifice for its own sake, but obedience to God’s will.
This means, weaponized incompetency, puts you out of the will of God. You are enslaving another person, for your own comfort, or to force them to serve you. For the sheer desire to run roughshod over them. The answer is NO. Stop it.
If this resonates with you, please drop a comment. Tell us how you’ve encountered this, and your solution. It’s always good to hear another version. It shows me more to watch for.
The Challenge: “Can you handle the Brutal Truth? Download Book 1 at no cost and join the 200 million potential listeners of the Total Freedom Show.”
Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel
Recognizing Abuse
After learning myself, I’ve taught a lot of people how to recognize abuse, that may not always look like abuse. When you grow up with physical abuse, that’s your only concept. But abuse goes far deeper, and it’s rampant in our society. People abuse others, in many ways, often by manipulation. I deal with this a lot in my book series, but I’d like to share some tips with you.
As the people of God, it’s predicted that we will go back to the danger for Christians spoken about in the book of Romans, where our fate may not be great, among those who refuse to serve him. But until then, we meet many types of people. Just working among people has been a real eye-opener. What I learned dealing with my own life situation, has helped tremendously, because I now have terms to describe what I encounter. Even now, I’m teaching them to a shop foreman where I work. It’s helping him recognize it; and giving him ways to deal with some stuff. He’s too nice, and hates to reprimand people, so he does a lion’s share of the work.
Today’s topic is:
WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE
This is a behavior or tactic, where a person who is lazy, or simply abusive, deliberately performs tasks poorly or pretends to be incapable to avoid responsibility. Thereby, shifting the burden onto others.
It’s sometimes called strategic incompetence; and occurs when a person intentionally or unconsciously demonstrates an inability to perform tasks so that others take over or stop delegating responsibilities to them. It’s common in households, romantic relationships, workplaces, and friendships. It is not simply a lack of skill; rather, it is a manipulative strategy that exploits others’ reluctance to hold someone accountable for tasks they appear unable to do. Many times, you feel sympathy for someone so incapable, and so you do the lion’s share of the work, or all of it.
How It Manifests
Typical examples include:
Household chores:
A partner claims they are bad at cooking or folding laundry, prompting the other partner to take over. I had a person in my life, that I tried to get to help hoe the garden, we relied on to feed our family. He would chop down every third or fourth plant. Every. Single. Time. Of course, I started doing it myself. He would put hot iron skillets in dishwater, and crack them in half, and use brass wool on Teflon, then come unglued when you were mad. He’d adopt a childish look and say ‘oops… I didn’t know.’ I took that over too. And a lot of other things.
Workplace tasks:
A colleague says, “I’m terrible at PowerPoint,” so another coworker prepares the presentation—especially if they felt sorry for the incapable person. Often, the person originally assigned, takes the credit. I once worked with someone who hated to make Accounts Receivable calls, so I had to do it because he convinced the boss, he was too busy. He’d take naps at his desk, while I tried to keep all the balls in the air. If I collected a large sum, he’d say he did it. Incidentally, that boss claimed that none of them (including his wife) knew how to write a check; and continually tried to call me back when I was half-way into a 45-minute drive home. Or on my day off. Wonder what they did before me? Or now?
Parenting or co-parenting:
One parent avoids responsibilities like bedtime routines or scheduling appointments, often labeling themselves as the “fun” parent. I was called “Mrs. Mean” while my children’s father called himself, “Mr. Nice.” Also, they like to maneuver you into doing it all, then undermining everything you’ve accomplished. Then take credit in public for having well-mannered, well-taught kids… who just happened to hate Mrs. Mean.
Often, they do something called ‘Glory Cooking.’ They refuse to cook at home, because ‘You do it so much better than me;’ then cook for church dinners, or take what you cooked, and say they did it. The version I was handed of this, was for specialty cakes. There was a magazine I bought, that had instructions on how to make the coolest cakes. I made them often. I was known for it and people loved them.
Then one day, he decided to do it, because I was ‘so busy’ with all the other tasks pushed off on me (or so he said). I was disappointed, because I’m an artist, and loved making them. But I was glad he’d do something. Of course, he garnered all the attention, at the event, loving it. It wasn’t until I heard that term, that I understood why he was willing, all of a sudden. Then, I saw so many other things, he’d shifted to me, with the same tactic.
Friendships:
A friend avoids planning events, leaving others to organize everything. Seldom brings dishes, but gets up in front, smiling and acting like they did as much as everyone else, but has an excuse for any requested help. This behavior often involves defensiveness, blame-shifting, or emotional withdrawal to discourage future requests, creating a persistent imbalance of labor.
I had a church buddy once, that followed us around, letting us do it all. She would go… if I paid for her ticket, her meals, and drove. Once, she went with me to a major city where my children were in a marching contest for band. It was the busiest time of the day, with lots more traffic than usual in the area we were in, due to the contest. It was almost dark, traffic a nightmare, before GPS. I had printed a map, before leaving; but couldn’t turn on the overhead light to see it.
She REFUSED to use the small pen light I had, and read the next direction for me, or even help watch the overhead signs. I finally had to hold the map in one hand, the light in the other (while holding the steering wheel, mind you, and making sure I didn’t hit anyone changing lanes, while watching the overhead and side-of-the-road signs) and I’m surprised we lived through it. It was harrowing. I was having a very difficult time, extremely irritated, while she stared out the window ignoring it all, and when we got to the stadium, blandly remarked, ‘You really scared me. You should have learned the way, before we left.’
It was before I knew about weaponized incompetence.
I’ve changed a lot. It wouldn’t do, for her to say that now. Actually, she’s no longer a part of my life. After I moved, she ‘can’t drive an hour and a half, because it’s an unfamiliar area, and she doesn’t know how,’ so I have to go see her. I did for about a year… then… no. Grow your butt up! Friendship is supposed to work both ways. I had to learn. Several million other people in America did.
The bible calls it ‘willful ignorance.’
I call it ‘dumb on purpose.’
To me, it’s beyond rude. It’s abuse. It’s forced servitude. Its selfish. I could go on, but you get the idea. I used to feel so sorry for adults who couldn’t do things. Now, I see it for what it is.
Look around you. You’ll find it in very unexpected places, but possibly very close. It’s everywhere. Now, I treat adults, like adults. I help those who truly don’t know, but don’t deal well with those who consistently show narcissistic game-playing. If you’re the one REPENT. It’s not godly. I’m not even joking about it.
Causes
Weaponized incompetence can arise from:
A desire to avoid responsibility or tasks that feel uncomfortable or disagreeable. Duh! None of us like certain responsibilities, but we don’t opt out, at others’ expense.
Childhood experiences or learned patterns, such as parentification or fawn responses. (I’ll write about this, at some point.)
Social norms and gendered expectations, particularly in heterosexual households, where women often carry more domestic and cognitive labor regardless of income or capability. This is far more common than you know. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a man cook or clean something. I was truly shocked.
Now, I find it exceedingly attractive.
My dad wouldn’t even mow the lawn. My mom, or I, did it. I mowed my lawn at 8.5 months pregnant. I can’t even describe to you how it looked when he did it the ONE time I couldn’t. Oh, the stories I could tell, about when I was sick, just had a child, or after major surgery… but I digress….
Consequences
The effects of weaponized incompetence include:
Resentment, frustration, and burnout for the person taking on extra work. Especially when they constantly degrade the work that you did (while you were doing far too much).
Once, I was studying for college finals, and he was whining about having to mow the lawn (always ‘my’ job). I eventually felt sorry for him, and told him I’d stop and mow, while did the weed-eating. About 30 minutes in, I didn’t see him. I went inside, and he’d taken a shower, and was sitting beneath the air-conditioner vent, in his underwear, drinking an ice cold Pepsi, watching a movie… while his wife did the yardwork… missing vital study time.
Remember that mad redhead image, with fire shooting out of the top of her head… oh yeah… he saw that. In a major explosion. Soon, he was back outside to do it all, with zero sympathy from me, and I was back studying. I hadn’t learned the term then, but I knew a sorry a** man, when I saw one.
Incidentally… I made a 4.0, cut him out of my life (and wrote poetry about it), and moved a state away. Now, I still mow my lawn, but without being forced to. I do it because I’m a person who takes care of what God puts in my hand.
Erosion of trust and destabilization of relationships. (Ya, think?!)
(… and yes, I do have a smart… um… mouth gene. Actually two… One from each side… I can’t help it… it’s genetic….)
Decision fatigue and hypervigilance due to the constant need to compensate for the other person’s underperformance, and constant condemnation, they’ve continued to lob, regardless of all you’ve accomplished. The person juggling it all, develops a perfectionist tendency, coupled with a sense of their own incompetence (which they don’t now—and never did—have).
Addressing Weaponized Incompetence
I researched how to deal with this and I have to say, it gave me a good laugh, if no help with writing this. Here’s what I found… and my response….
Strategies to manage or mitigate this behavior include:
Open communication:
Discuss patterns and express how the behavior affects you. I just have to laugh at this. In my entire life, I’ve never seen this work! A person willing to exhibit this behavior simply does not care what it does to those around them.
It’s both a game and avoidance strategy. It’s a way to keep someone exhausted and off balance. I remember one night coming home from a ministry event. I always had to drive the two hours there and then back home through the mountains. I was exhausted, almost falling asleep, and asked the other adult (and I use that term loosely) to drive for a while. I was screamed at for ten solid minutes about how selfish I was to expect him to drive, because he and the children deserved to sleep. I was afraid I was about to kill my family in a wreck… but he was incapable. Weaponized incompetence—and presenting me as Mrs. Mean—on steroids, as his screaming woke both kids up, and they too were mad at me. We were all tired from the 2-hour performance, but they’d been conditioned to believe, that all hardship and work was mine to carry.
Setting boundaries:
Clearly define responsibilities and expectations. Ha! See the above answer. Again, I’ve seldom seen this work. The only time I have, was because an entire group stood against it, and there was no way out. However, the retaliation in passive-aggressive pushback, or underhanded ‘payback’ was worse than the weaponized incompetence.
Encouraging skill development:
Offer guidance or training if the person is genuinely willing to improve. This works with ‘normal’ people, but not with people who act hopelessly incompetent.
I spent four months once, helping a person ‘catch up’ to pass a test to get a job. I tutored her daily, spent hours creating homework, so she’d thoroughly understand. I printed it all, at my cost, with my supplies, and put it all in a neat binder to keep. She was behind on math (I used to tutor college algebra), reading skills, and business skills, among other things. I gave up massive amounts of time, study, and time with other people, including my family. The night before the test, she came over in a panic, confessing she didn’t know how to do any of it. She hadn’t done one homework page, or studied anything I’d given her.
Have you ever seen a mad redhead with flames shooting out of her head… being all nice… because she’d never heard the term ‘weaponized incompetence’ and felt sorry for someone who often excused her incompetence, because she was ‘backward’… while doing nothing to correct it? Honestly, you probably don’t want to.
Recognizing manipulation:
Identify when incompetence is being used strategically rather than genuinely. Understanding weaponized incompetence helps prevent unequal labor distribution, reduce relational stress, and promote accountability in both personal and professional settings.
I no longer put up with this. I expect adults to be adults. I’ll do my share and no more, unless a person truly has issues. I can spot weaponized incompetence, a mile off, now. And weaponized tears. I can see manipulation, I never saw before.
No, is a complete sentence.
Jesus didn’t call us to be a manipulated servant. Caring for others is Godly. Doing a lazy person’s work, simply because they choose to ‘opt out,’ is not. He never called us to be slaves to manipulators.
If you see someone doing this to others, join with them, to end it. Pray for the manipulator to repent and get saved. Tilt the table toward that, by addressing it. When it no longer works, they either grow through it or leave the group (not a bad end result… but that’s my opinion… frankly I’m tired of washing the soot out of my hair, from the flames….) Jesus said, ‘six days shall ye work.’ That meant everyone… not just you.
Men… who love those submit verses…
… learn them well… then go to Ephesians 5:21….
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
The phrase “submitting yourselves one to another” means mutual submission—placing others’ needs and well-being before your own, guided by humility, love, and reverence for God. The “fear of God” (or “reverence for Christ”) is the motive: it is not self‑sacrifice for its own sake, but obedience to God’s will.
This means, weaponized incompetency, puts you out of the will of God. You are enslaving another person, for your own comfort, or to force them to serve you. For the sheer desire to run roughshod over them. The answer is NO. Stop it.
If this resonates with you, please drop a comment. Tell us how you’ve encountered this, and your solution. It’s always good to hear another version. It shows me more to watch for.
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