This thought has been sitting with me for a while now.
And every time I think about it, I somehow become even more convinced.
I genuinely don't think you can afford to follow Jesus and ignore emotional intelligence.
Notice I didn't say every Christian is emotionally intelligent.
They're not.
We've all met Christians who can quote Scripture for hours but cannot apologize.
Who can discern "spirits" in every room but cannot discern that the person sitting beside them is tired, grieving or afraid.
Who know how to pray, but don't know how to listen.
Who know how to correct, but don't know how to restore.
And I don't say that to judge anybody.
I say it because I think we've accidentally separated two things that Jesus never separated.
We've treated spiritual maturity and emotional maturity like they are different journeys.
I don't think they are.
Actually...
I don't think they can be.
Because who exactly are you becoming if you're becoming like Christ?
Think about Jesus for a second.
And no, not just what He taught.
But the way He related to people.
That's the part that keeps arresting me.
He didn't speak to everyone the same way.
To some people, He asked questions.
To others, He sat and listened.
Sometimes He challenged.
Sometimes He comforted.
Sometimes He walked away.
Sometimes He stayed.
He knew when Peter needed correction.
He knew when Peter needed breakfast by the sea.
He stood in front of a woman caught in adultery and somehow managed to hold both compassion and truth in the same conversation.
How?
He wasn't just spiritually deep.
He understood people.
He understood timing.
He understood emotions.
He understood that the same truth can heal one person and crush another depending on how and when it's delivered.
And I think that's where a lot of us struggle.
We've become so committed to saying the right thing...
that we've forgotten to ask whether this is the right moment.
Sometimes the truth is right.
The timing isn't.
Sometimes the words are biblical.
The posture isn't.
Sometimes we're so eager to "speak the truth" that we forget Scripture didn't stop there.
It says to speak the truth in love.
Love changes how truth sounds.
I've also noticed something else.
A lot of us think emotional intelligence means having deep conversations.
Or using words like "boundaries" and "attachment styles."
No.
Sometimes emotional intelligence is much simpler than that.
It's noticing that your friend has gone unusually quiet.
It's realizing someone is angry but the anger isn't the real emotion.
It's apologizing without adding, "But you also..."
It's knowing when your spouse doesn't need another solution. They need to know they're not carrying the weight alone.
It's recognizing that the person who keeps interrupting everyone may not be proud. They may simply be desperate to be heard.
It's asking one more question instead of making one more assumption.
You know what I find interesting?
Paul spent so much of the New Testament teaching people how to relate.
Be kind.
Bear with one another.
Forgive one another.
Encourage one another.
Be patient.
Be gentle.
Those aren't just spiritual instructions.
They're relational ones.
And relationships are where emotional intelligence is tested.
Not during prayer meetings.
During disagreement.
During disappointment.
During correction.
During marriage.
During leadership.
During friendship.
During ordinary Tuesday afternoons when someone says something that hurts your feelings.
That's where you find out whether you've just learnt Scripture...
or whether Scripture has started reshaping you.
Because following Jesus should change more than your prayer life.
It should change how safe people feel around you.
How you handle conflict.
How quickly you assume the worst.
How you carry people's weaknesses.
How you respond when you're misunderstood.
How you hold both conviction and compassion without sacrificing either.
If ten years with Jesus has made me more knowledgeable but less patient...
something is wrong.
If I've learnt how to preach but not how to apologize...
something is wrong.
If I know every spiritual principle but cannot sit with someone's grief without trying to fix it immediately...
something is wrong.
I honestly think we've admired gifting more than we've admired Christlikeness.
And they're not the same thing.
You can be gifted and still be emotionally immature.
You can be anointed and still wound people with your words.
You can lead thousands and still not know how to love the person sitting across from you.
That should bother us.
Because the goal of Christianity has never been to know more about Jesus.
It's to become more like Him.
And every time I read the Gospels, I don't just see a man full of power.
I see a man who noticed people.
Who made space for questions.
Who wasn't intimidated by tears.
Who wasn't threatened by people's emotions.
Who could tell the hardest truths without making people feel unseen.
The more I think about it, the less I believe emotional intelligence is optional for the Christian.
Not because it's trendy or because psychology says it's important.
But because every step towards Christ should also be a step towards becoming more patient, more gentle, more aware, more compassionate, more self-controlled.
More human in the way heaven intended.
Maybe that's what emotional intelligence looks like in the Kingdom.
And not becoming better at reading people so you can manage them.
But becoming so formed by Christ...
that people consistently experience His heart when they encounter yours.
And every time I think about it, I somehow become even more convinced.
I genuinely don't think you can afford to follow Jesus and ignore emotional intelligence.
Notice I didn't say every Christian is emotionally intelligent.
They're not.
We've all met Christians who can quote Scripture for hours but cannot apologize.
Who can discern "spirits" in every room but cannot discern that the person sitting beside them is tired, grieving or afraid.
Who know how to pray, but don't know how to listen.
Who know how to correct, but don't know how to restore.
And I don't say that to judge anybody.
I say it because I think we've accidentally separated two things that Jesus never separated.
We've treated spiritual maturity and emotional maturity like they are different journeys.
I don't think they are.
Actually...
I don't think they can be.
Because who exactly are you becoming if you're becoming like Christ?
Think about Jesus for a second.
And no, not just what He taught.
But the way He related to people.
That's the part that keeps arresting me.
He didn't speak to everyone the same way.
To some people, He asked questions.
To others, He sat and listened.
Sometimes He challenged.
Sometimes He comforted.
Sometimes He walked away.
Sometimes He stayed.
He knew when Peter needed correction.
He knew when Peter needed breakfast by the sea.
He stood in front of a woman caught in adultery and somehow managed to hold both compassion and truth in the same conversation.
How?
He wasn't just spiritually deep.
He understood people.
He understood timing.
He understood emotions.
He understood that the same truth can heal one person and crush another depending on how and when it's delivered.
And I think that's where a lot of us struggle.
We've become so committed to saying the right thing...
that we've forgotten to ask whether this is the right moment.
Sometimes the truth is right.
The timing isn't.
Sometimes the words are biblical.
The posture isn't.
Sometimes we're so eager to "speak the truth" that we forget Scripture didn't stop there.
It says to speak the truth in love.
Love changes how truth sounds.
I've also noticed something else.
A lot of us think emotional intelligence means having deep conversations.
Or using words like "boundaries" and "attachment styles."
No.
Sometimes emotional intelligence is much simpler than that.
It's noticing that your friend has gone unusually quiet.
It's realizing someone is angry but the anger isn't the real emotion.
It's apologizing without adding, "But you also..."
It's knowing when your spouse doesn't need another solution. They need to know they're not carrying the weight alone.
It's recognizing that the person who keeps interrupting everyone may not be proud. They may simply be desperate to be heard.
It's asking one more question instead of making one more assumption.
You know what I find interesting?
Paul spent so much of the New Testament teaching people how to relate.
Be kind.
Bear with one another.
Forgive one another.
Encourage one another.
Be patient.
Be gentle.
Those aren't just spiritual instructions.
They're relational ones.
And relationships are where emotional intelligence is tested.
Not during prayer meetings.
During disagreement.
During disappointment.
During correction.
During marriage.
During leadership.
During friendship.
During ordinary Tuesday afternoons when someone says something that hurts your feelings.
That's where you find out whether you've just learnt Scripture...
or whether Scripture has started reshaping you.
Because following Jesus should change more than your prayer life.
It should change how safe people feel around you.
How you handle conflict.
How quickly you assume the worst.
How you carry people's weaknesses.
How you respond when you're misunderstood.
How you hold both conviction and compassion without sacrificing either.
If ten years with Jesus has made me more knowledgeable but less patient...
something is wrong.
If I've learnt how to preach but not how to apologize...
something is wrong.
If I know every spiritual principle but cannot sit with someone's grief without trying to fix it immediately...
something is wrong.
I honestly think we've admired gifting more than we've admired Christlikeness.
And they're not the same thing.
You can be gifted and still be emotionally immature.
You can be anointed and still wound people with your words.
You can lead thousands and still not know how to love the person sitting across from you.
That should bother us.
Because the goal of Christianity has never been to know more about Jesus.
It's to become more like Him.
And every time I read the Gospels, I don't just see a man full of power.
I see a man who noticed people.
Who made space for questions.
Who wasn't intimidated by tears.
Who wasn't threatened by people's emotions.
Who could tell the hardest truths without making people feel unseen.
The more I think about it, the less I believe emotional intelligence is optional for the Christian.
Not because it's trendy or because psychology says it's important.
But because every step towards Christ should also be a step towards becoming more patient, more gentle, more aware, more compassionate, more self-controlled.
More human in the way heaven intended.
Maybe that's what emotional intelligence looks like in the Kingdom.
And not becoming better at reading people so you can manage them.
But becoming so formed by Christ...
that people consistently experience His heart when they encounter yours.
This thought has been sitting with me for a while now.
And every time I think about it, I somehow become even more convinced.
I genuinely don't think you can afford to follow Jesus and ignore emotional intelligence.
Notice I didn't say every Christian is emotionally intelligent.
They're not.
We've all met Christians who can quote Scripture for hours but cannot apologize.
Who can discern "spirits" in every room but cannot discern that the person sitting beside them is tired, grieving or afraid.
Who know how to pray, but don't know how to listen.
Who know how to correct, but don't know how to restore.
And I don't say that to judge anybody.
I say it because I think we've accidentally separated two things that Jesus never separated.
We've treated spiritual maturity and emotional maturity like they are different journeys.
I don't think they are.
Actually...
I don't think they can be.
Because who exactly are you becoming if you're becoming like Christ?
Think about Jesus for a second.
And no, not just what He taught.
But the way He related to people.
That's the part that keeps arresting me.
He didn't speak to everyone the same way.
To some people, He asked questions.
To others, He sat and listened.
Sometimes He challenged.
Sometimes He comforted.
Sometimes He walked away.
Sometimes He stayed.
He knew when Peter needed correction.
He knew when Peter needed breakfast by the sea.
He stood in front of a woman caught in adultery and somehow managed to hold both compassion and truth in the same conversation.
How?
He wasn't just spiritually deep.
He understood people.
He understood timing.
He understood emotions.
He understood that the same truth can heal one person and crush another depending on how and when it's delivered.
And I think that's where a lot of us struggle.
We've become so committed to saying the right thing...
that we've forgotten to ask whether this is the right moment.
Sometimes the truth is right.
The timing isn't.
Sometimes the words are biblical.
The posture isn't.
Sometimes we're so eager to "speak the truth" that we forget Scripture didn't stop there.
It says to speak the truth in love.
Love changes how truth sounds.
I've also noticed something else.
A lot of us think emotional intelligence means having deep conversations.
Or using words like "boundaries" and "attachment styles."
No.
Sometimes emotional intelligence is much simpler than that.
It's noticing that your friend has gone unusually quiet.
It's realizing someone is angry but the anger isn't the real emotion.
It's apologizing without adding, "But you also..."
It's knowing when your spouse doesn't need another solution. They need to know they're not carrying the weight alone.
It's recognizing that the person who keeps interrupting everyone may not be proud. They may simply be desperate to be heard.
It's asking one more question instead of making one more assumption.
You know what I find interesting?
Paul spent so much of the New Testament teaching people how to relate.
Be kind.
Bear with one another.
Forgive one another.
Encourage one another.
Be patient.
Be gentle.
Those aren't just spiritual instructions.
They're relational ones.
And relationships are where emotional intelligence is tested.
Not during prayer meetings.
During disagreement.
During disappointment.
During correction.
During marriage.
During leadership.
During friendship.
During ordinary Tuesday afternoons when someone says something that hurts your feelings.
That's where you find out whether you've just learnt Scripture...
or whether Scripture has started reshaping you.
Because following Jesus should change more than your prayer life.
It should change how safe people feel around you.
How you handle conflict.
How quickly you assume the worst.
How you carry people's weaknesses.
How you respond when you're misunderstood.
How you hold both conviction and compassion without sacrificing either.
If ten years with Jesus has made me more knowledgeable but less patient...
something is wrong.
If I've learnt how to preach but not how to apologize...
something is wrong.
If I know every spiritual principle but cannot sit with someone's grief without trying to fix it immediately...
something is wrong.
I honestly think we've admired gifting more than we've admired Christlikeness.
And they're not the same thing.
You can be gifted and still be emotionally immature.
You can be anointed and still wound people with your words.
You can lead thousands and still not know how to love the person sitting across from you.
That should bother us.
Because the goal of Christianity has never been to know more about Jesus.
It's to become more like Him.
And every time I read the Gospels, I don't just see a man full of power.
I see a man who noticed people.
Who made space for questions.
Who wasn't intimidated by tears.
Who wasn't threatened by people's emotions.
Who could tell the hardest truths without making people feel unseen.
The more I think about it, the less I believe emotional intelligence is optional for the Christian.
Not because it's trendy or because psychology says it's important.
But because every step towards Christ should also be a step towards becoming more patient, more gentle, more aware, more compassionate, more self-controlled.
More human in the way heaven intended.
Maybe that's what emotional intelligence looks like in the Kingdom.
And not becoming better at reading people so you can manage them.
But becoming so formed by Christ...
that people consistently experience His heart when they encounter yours.
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